I have lately been reading Tara Brach's seminal work, Radical Acceptance, subtitled 'embracing your life with the heart of a Buddha.' I came to know of Brach as she holds weekly dharma talks at the nearby Bethesda Unitarian Church. A clinical psychologist and long time yoga and meditation practitioner, she puts on quite a 'show' - weaving anecdotes, personal stories, New Yorker cartoons, humor, ancient poetry, the wisdom of other faith traditions, etc. - into her talks about the Buddhadharma. Only recently did I borrow the book - which I'd heard about for some years - from my girlfriend. My girlfriend who is neither Buddhist nor a meditator, but found the book inspiring. (I will add here that I also am not a 'Buddhist,' though I've been meditating for years - ever since the realities of impermanence were no longer possible to ignore. A cultural Jewish friend describes himself as being Bhuddish, which as a cultural Catholic works for me too.)
There are chapters of the book dedicated to prayer and metta, (often translated as 'lovingkindness'), and have helped me further my understanding and practice of same. Beyond the basics - may I be free of suffering, etc. - she shows how to lean into the fear, or sorrow, or pain, or whatever it may be that our suffering arises around, and find sources of peace within. Which is to say, it's a non-dualistic approach. Perhaps by calling forth an image - God, Jesus, the void, the unity of all, the Buddha, Gandhi, MLK, maybe even a person you know who has been a loving presence in your life - and letting go into the power this image may hold within our hearts, we can tap into deeper connection, or unity. By starting with our fear, our vulnerability, as a bridge to connection with this infinite source of love.
Which may sound like a bunch of gobbledygook moonie madness. To which I might say to the atheists among my vast readership, call forth a Christopher Hitchens or Sam Harris if you find his to be a loving presence in your life. (Much as I admire these intellects, the concept of 'loving presence' is not one I'd ascribe to them. I'll go with the Buddha, or Gandhi, or Atman, or Mother Theresa...or my mom!)
In any event I have been working on a metta with MS as something of a theme. I would attach it here, but can't see how to do so. I'll try to copy and paste, but unfortunately the narrow layout of this blog might make the text less easily read. No matter - the prayer is for me, and I will have it in a more readable format. Only the intrepid need attempt to decipher:
May I be free from suffering. May all beings be free from suffering.
May the symptoms of MS awaken compassion within me for myself and for all beings. To wit:
May the heaviness in my limbs awaken compassion for myself and all beings with illnesses of the limbs.
May the nystagmus in my eyes awaken compassion for myself and for all beings with maladies in the eyes.
May the cane, walker, or other walking aids I use to help my balance and gait awaken compassion for myself, and for all beings with such aids in their lives – and may we be free of the psychological weight these are prone to occasion.
May the occasional klutziness and spasticity in my limbs awaken compassion for myself and others with such disabilities.
May my breath anchor in me each moment the healing power of mind.
May my breath awaken in me each moment the healing power of my heart.
May my heart freely beat blood each moment to cleanse my brain and central nervous system.
May my craniosacral fluid rise and fall – in counterpoint with my breath – free of obstruction, and cleanse my central nervous system.
May my immune system remain calm, expending neither energy on, nor sending T-cells or any other immune response elements in any other service than to protect this organism from infection.
May my whole body relax into the healing power of the present.
May I lean with grace and gentle vulnerability into the fear that this progressive condition may continue to progress.
May I also note with gentle awareness my desire to get back the physical functions which have been impaired – while fully accepting conditions as they are right now.
I’ve looked at life from both sides now
from well and ill, and still somehow,
It’s life’s illusions, I recall; I really don’t know life, at all.
May this ignorance of life – and its illusions – inform each cell of my body with the infinite wonder and miracle of this moment.
May we all be free of suffering. Amen.
The Nepali word for MS (as best I have learned) is kathinaya, which means approximately 'wood-like,' or 'to harden.' Kath, the word for wood, is also found in the name Kathmandu, literally the capital city's eponymous 'wooden temple.' Perhaps this is an image that could be helpful to recall in my prayer, that is, maybe I'm am turning into a wooden temple. Or into Pinnochio. Or into a church pew. How about Pinnochio kneeling at a pew in the wooden temple, hands held in supplication to Atman, breath of the universe?
Very hot today, busy with errands and medical appointments, including an MRI. It's a procedure that I've become surprisingly fond of. Maybe ten times now? Black Sabbath's Iron Man (a band and song more anathema I could hardly imagine) came to me a couple times as I slowly hobbled about with or without cargo in the blazing sun. I am Iron Man, da da da da da...
When I think about it, climbing into the MRI machine is a bit like Robert Downey Jr. putting on his costume in the movie. My movie title: Wooden Man.
I'm glad I started reading this before I had actually started drinking. I had to read a few parts over a couple of times, to make sure I didn't miss anything, and if I had had a glass of wine beforehand, I might have been lost.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you have taken to this blog thing. You are so good at it, and I enjoy your writing so much! You make me think, when sometimes I would rather not. Thank you.
BTW... I could hear Joni singing as soon as I read her lyrics. It made me think of a time long ago... when we were all much younger, and much less impaired.
perhaps my favorite joni song, i am learning it on the guitar. we can sing on friday. seems a fitting wedding tune. from 'this side' of weddings anyway.
ReplyDeletethanks, peter
I am coming to this post a little late, but very glad I came. Beautiful, Pete, just beautiful. As someone who considers themselves somewhat of a "writer," you inspire me. So very much. And though I may not have been alive when Joni Mitchell recorded "Both Sides Now," I am very familiar with the song (thanks, Mom (who turned me on to Joni when I was a teenager by likening her sound to that of Tori Amos)) and immediately started crying when you quoted her mid-post. Again, beautiful, just beautiful. Thank you.
ReplyDelete